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By Chris Kennedy
So let's do it like we do on the discovery channel? Our world is full of so many images both good and bad and we, as men, are very visual. Unfortunately we have been taken advantage of by the media, marketing and Hollywood. Images of women with less and less clothes on is the trend for the last few years, and I don’t see it ending. The sexual revolution and the lie of being able to have sex anytime a man wants without consequence is the message: keep your husband satisfied. The magazines will give you 10 “secrets” for it if you really want. But it’s all the same message.
And honestly, the first thing many guys (including NFP users) complain about is abstinence. There. I said it. I feel that when I was a young boy I was told that sexual temptation would be easier when you get married. Others painted it like I would no longer struggle in the area of sexual temptation. It’s as if, somehow, being able to have sex with my wife would make the temptation vanish. Part of the problem was it’s just the NFP version of society’s lie that you can have sex whenever you want, the other part is that there’s still sexual temptation. What they told me was wrong!!! Eradicating sexual temptation is a lot to ask, especially in today’s society. And sometimes you don’t get to have sex. That’s life.
For men, sexual temptation is everywhere, but you have to be a man and have self-control. I know guys complain as if skipping a couple days here and there causes them to lose all self-control and revert to their base, primal urges. But if that happens, then they never had self-control in the first place. The good part is that sacrificing a few days here and there will helps us grow in self-control. Honestly, the idea of “I need to be satisfied or I will lose self-control” that runs in some circles makes my blood boil just a wee bit. We aren’t really that limited, and real men don’t really view their wives as so little. I mean, I get it. But I am more than just a penis. And my wife is more than just a plaything to use like an object. We were created to love one another in a holy and holistic way. We, as men, should be the leaders and protectors of our household. We should love our wives as we love ourselves.
Not having sex isn’t an NFP thing. It happens anyway. Maybe for a medical reason, one of you is traveling, you are just tired, or a kid is sick and you are up holding them all night long. The reason why isn’t really important. Maybe the dissatisfaction happens because we believed the lie that sex would happen more often with NFP; with marriage. But it isn’t likely that you are actually having sex 365 days a year even if you are using a form of birth control. Society lied. The media lied. The marketing lied. No one is having sex that often. Because no one is having sex every day no matter what form of avoiding pregnancy they use, then why do we hear grumblings in the NFP community? Maybe it runs in the contraceptive communities too? I don’t know. But we are different. We know the value of true spousal love - so why not use that time to grow in self-control and in understanding each other? Use the time to show love in ways beyond intercourse. In terms of a long game, eventually you are going to get old (it happens if you live long enough). I work in emergency health care, so in some ways I can be a bit blunt. I have to be. There’s no time to mince words in an emergency. I’ve already had to dial back a few of the things in this post that I might normally say but I think this one is important: From what I have been told, a 70 year old penis is not the same as a 30 year old penis. And a 70 year old libido isn’t the same as a 30 year old libido. So you’d better get cracking on finding other ways to show love. Someday you might (will) need the other forms of love if you plan on the whole lifelong commitment thing. Love doesn’t equal sex.
I have seen so many men wasting precious time on obsessing over sex, images and women. It’s a source of pleasure and, possibly, the fulfillment of an addiction. Pornography and sex addiction is rampant in our society (even NFP circles). It’s something that can show you so much but give you so little. It leads to emptiness and pain. It means truly missing out on a lifetime of learning to love and learning to be loved. As I sit here, a quiet voice in the back of my brain is saying, “That’s BS, more sex is better!” I can’t say that I fully disagree, but loving my wife means better sex, and better sex is better than more sex. It’s better than the “sex” that the world offers.
Pornography and sex addiction is real. It’s really real, but it doesn’t have to ruin your life. If you or someone you know is struggling with sexual temptation or sex addiction there is help. Please contact a counselor, your pastor or priest, a local 12 step program or the anonymous STRIVE program.
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